


Just Do It

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 11:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11312466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: Baz can’t endure it anymore and decides to kill himself in the sweetest way possible: Kissing Simon Snow.





	Just Do It

Baz had been having a hell of a day. Fiona had asked him again to make a move toward killing Simon. He had told his father that he was in love with a boy and he had yelled at him. He was so thirsty again and he hated it. And not for the first time, he didn’t want to carry on. He knew that this was his punishment for being a monster. But he was sick of it. And tired too. So very, very tired.

_What’s keeping me from putting myself to rest? What’s keeping me from an eternal sleep? Why can’t I just follow my mother? Because I’m not as brave as she was…_

But at this point it was just getting too much. Baz had snuck down into the catacombs and because destiny hated him Simon had followed him down here. Again.

_Why are you torturing me, Snow? Why don’t you just put me out of my misery?_

It was one of the days Baz didn’t mind dying. And when he turned around to face Simon, he thought about kissing him. _Just one time before I die. Just one time being selfish. What would happen if I did? He’d kill me, that’s for sure. But why being afraid of it? Why running away from it? It’s what ought to happen eventually. Why not make today the day to end it all? I don’t want to fight him or anyone else. I just want to sleep. Are you going to help me with that, Simon, you beautiful boy? If you come a little closer, I’ll do it. I really will. You hate me already and I’m a bloody vampire, so what do I have to lose? My father hates me, I don’t have a mother or a soul, and I certainly can’t lose you. So do it, Simon. Just do it._

‘What are you doing down here?’ Simon snaped when he saw that Baz had noticed him.

'What do you think?’ Baz hissed. Then he turned away, making an attempt to just go.

'I think you are a bloody vampire and- and you’re here to- because you’re plotting something.’

Baz was too tired for this. He was too tired for anything. He was too tired for drawing away from Simon. So he got closer.

'You’re right. I am,’ Baz whispered. _I am plotting my own death. Just do it, Simon. I won’t hate you. I never could._

Simon summoned his sword and Baz looked at it with mild interest. _Hello, sword of mages. I always knew you’d kill me someday._

Baz started to smile and kept going. Simon’s hand was shaking. He drew in a deep breath when Baz didn’t stop walking towards him.

'Do it, Simon,’ Baz said softly. 'It’s the right thing to do. We both know it. So no regrets.’

It was time to say good bye. Because Baz couldn’t stand another day with Simon Snow as his enemy and room mate and crush and _boy_ and love of his life. He couldn’t keep away anymore. He couldn’t pretend anmore. So he would let it end like this.

Simon was so shoked he couldn’t even move back. Normally Baz left him alone. Was this the fight they had both been waiting for? Was Baz trying to drain him? Did he want to put an end to their weird relationship as room mates and enemies? Where was this going? And why was this horrible feeling creeping up in Simon? Had Baz lured him here? No, he went into the catacombs almost every day and today wasn’t any different. Something was off with Baz, Simon could see it clearly. He seemed tired and sad, almost like he was giving up. But what was he giving up?

It was so dark that Simon was barely able to see, but he knew Baz was coming closer and closer. What was he up to? Simon suddenly realized that he didn’t want to fight or harm Baz. He wanted everything to stay as it was. Or better - Baz not being his enemy anymore but a friend.

Why did it have to be like this?

'I’m tired, Simon,’ Baz whispered but Simon heard him ever so clearly. 'I think I’m too tired to carry on. So this is good bye. I know you think I want to drain you or turn you or kill you. Nothing could be further from the truth. But I don’t think you’ll ever understand that. You’ll never understand how fucking beautiful you are and how fucking much you mean to me. You won’t ever understand that I could never kill you. But that’s okay. It’s time to end this mess that is my life. Good bye, Simon Snow.’

He gazed a last time at the sword, looked a last time in his oh so blue eyes and then he leaned down to kiss him. He expected it to be over quickly – a soft touch of his lips and the sword right through him. Instead Simon appeared to be to shocked to move. So Baz moved his lips against Simon’s, enjoying it for as long as he could.

_So this is what it feels like. This is so much better than the dreams I had. This is all I ever needed. In a few seconds, he’ll get back to his senses and he’ll kill me. But that’s okay because this is all I ever wanted. I always wanted to die happy. I am happy now. Thank you, Simon Snow, for being here. For being you. For being this._

But then, Simon dropped the sword. Something more shoking happend. Something Baz had never thought possible. Simon kissed him _back_.

'Is this a dream?’ Baz whispered, pulling back.

'If so, it’s a freaking good one,’ Simon answered and kissed Baz again.

_If this is a dream, I never want to wake up. If this is not a dream, I’m gonna have a heart attack. If this is not a dream, I’m gonna lose my mind. And I couldn’t care less._


End file.
